tonight I drank a bottle of red wine before ten pm. tonight I fell in love with you again.
my darling. how can I tell people that when I pull my dress off for you you look at me like I’m the first woman you’ve ever seen. how do I let the world know that you open me up the same way a flower blossoms- slowly, beautifully.
sometimes I resent ridiculous people. that girl you were best friends with in high school (who you say is a different person now), your sisters, the man you went to Las Vegas with to celebrate his marriage. because they knew you before I did. because they know the people you were and the people you are. sometimes I am overcome with jealousy as the fact I wasn’t your first. your first friend, your first love, your first lover, the first woman whose name you moaned in bed. I feel as though I was cheated from you. Like I lost too much time. Like now I will die still longing for more of you to fill me.
sweetheart. I know that’s crazy. I know we have years and years of time to love each other. I can’t help it- I’m greedy for you. forgive me- I love you aggressively. Possessively. I can’t stand the thought of anyone cumming on your tongue except for me.
I feel as though everything in my life has been a trial run, a drill, for meeting you, for loving you. I dream about you more often than I don’t. When you aren’t here I taste myself and imagine I’m dripping from your tongue as you kiss me. I don’t know how I lived without you. I know I could never do it again.
You are afraid, I know, because I’m young.
My mimi met my bapa when she was sixteen. they wrote each other while he was in korea. when he came home he married her. they were together until he died.
My grandmother met my grandfather when she was seventeen. they are still married today.
My mother and my father got married at twenty-two and twenty-four. They’re best friends.My father still leaves notes in my mother’s lunches. My mother still leaves love letters on his steering wheel.
It is in my blood to bond early and to stay that way. I’m smiling right now. I am half joking and I am mostly serious. You are my closest friend. You are perfect. Every moment we were broken up taught me to love you the way I love you today- I was dying without you- never feel guilty for that. I want rings and tattoos. Baby. I wish I could pay off the debt from your divorce right now. I hate that you were ever married to anyone else when you’ve always belonged to me. Colin. I don’t remember how I lived without you. Pookie. I couldn;t live without you. You make me selfless. You are everything I never knew I was missing.